What did the mama buffalo say to the son buffalo when he went off to college?
"Bison."
Animal Jokes : A cat goes to Heaven
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, \'You\'ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.\'
The cats says, \'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.\' God says, \'Say no more.\' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, \'All our lives we\'ve had to run. We\'ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn\'t have to run anymore.\' God says, \'Say no more.\' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
\'How are you doing? Are you happy here?\'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, \'Oh, I\'ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you\'ve been sending over are the best
Animal Jokes : Barney
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I\'ll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I\'ll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I\'ll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney\'s on my underpants."
Animal Jokes : A Bunny\'s Wish
A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived. The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed. The bear said he would go first. "I wish...that all the bears in this forest were female." The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. The bear thought that strange but continued. "I wish...that all the bears in this country to be female!" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it. The bear looked at the bunny and said, "You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!" Then he asked for his last wish. "I wish...that all the bears in this world to be female!" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, "I wish the bear was gay."
Animal Jokes : An Intelligent Dog
A large dog walks into a butcher\'s shop with a purse in its mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case. "What is it, boy?" the butcher asks, joking around with his customers. "Want to buy some meat?"
"Woof!" barks the dog.
"Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak--"
"Woof!" interrupts the dog.
"And how much steak? Half a kilo, one kilo--"
"Woof!" says the dog. The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog\'s purse.
As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and begins to scratch on the door. With that, the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.
"Stop!" yells the butcher. "What are you doing? That\'s the most clever animal I\'ve ever seen!"
"Clever?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week he\'s forgotten his keys!"
'); } // 5 if (ranNum == 5){document.write('Animal Jokes : Anteaters
Why don\'t anteaters ever get sick?
Because they\'re all full of anty bodies.
'); } // 6 if (ranNum == 6){document.write('Animal Jokes : Bear Warning!!
Resently Fish, Wildlife, And Parks have posted warning signs in all Sporting Goods stores, and at all camp grounds in Montana. Due to the dramatic rise of the bear population in Montana. The Sign reads as follows:
WARNING! To the increased number of bear sightings in Montana\'s National Forests we have desided to post this flyer. When going into bear country one should always carry pepper-spray and wear cowbells. And when you are in bear country you need to know what species of bear you may encounter. In Black Bear country you will see small footprints with short claws, and occasionally a torn up bush. In Grizzly Bear country you will find large footprints, with long claws, and there will be stumps uprootedand torn apart. The easiest way to tell what bear you may encounter is by looking at the droppings. Black bear droppings have small bones, berry seeds, and sometimes fur. Grizzly bear droppings however have cowbells and smell like pepper spray! So PLEASE be careful!
Animal Jokes : Beef
What do you call a cow lying on the ground?
Ground beef.
Animal Jokes : Bells On Cows
Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don\'t work.
'); } // 9 if (ranNum == 9){document.write('Animal Jokes : Blind Fish
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
"Dam!"
'); } // 10 if (ranNum == 10){document.write('Animal Jokes : Brewster the RoosterThere was this farmer who had an old rooster named Brewster, and Brewster could mate with any animal, he didn\'t care which. Every morning the farmer would get up and feed all his animals, and every morning he would warn Brewster that someday it would catch up to the old rooster. Sure enough, one morning the farmer got up to feed the chickens, and there was old Brewster lying face up on the ground with buzzards circling overhead. The farmer sighed and said, "Ah, Brewster, you can\'t say I didn\'t warn you."
Brewster opened one eye slowly and said, "Geez, could you keep it down? I think one of \'em\'s about to land."
Animal Jokes : Camel Gear
Baby Camel: Mum, why do we have such a huge hump?
Mum Camel: They\'re for storing fat in out in the desert.
Baby Camel: Why do we have hooves, then?
Mum Camel: So our feet don\'t sink into the hot sand.
Baby Camel: Why do we have these long, fluttery eyelashes?
Mum Camel: To keep the sand out of our eyes in a sandstorm.
A moment later...
Baby Camel: Right. So why do we have all this stuff if we live in the London Zoo?
Animal Jokes : Cow
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
Animal Jokes : Cow Joke
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Animal Jokes : Dogs
Once there three male dogs who set eyes on a beautiful female poodle. They all rushed over to her. Aware of her charms, she said, "I will go out with the first one of you who can use the words \'liver\' and \'cheese\' together in an intelligent sentence."
Immediately the Lab said, "I like liver and cheese."
"No imagination at all," said the poodle.
Next was the muscular Rottweiler, who blurted, "I hate liver and cheese."
"That\'s worse than the Lab," she replied.
Finally a tiny chihuahua smiled at his opponents, gave the poodle a knowing wink, and said, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
Animal Jokes : Drunken Duck
A duck walks into a drugstore, and asks the cashier if he has any beer. The man says "No, this is a Drugstore, we don\'t sell beer here" The Duck leaves, and returns home. The next day, he comes back to the store and asks the cashier again. The man then replies, "I told you yesterday! We dont\' sell beer here! If you ask me one more time, I am going to nail your feet to the florr!" The ducks leaves again. One final time the duck enters the store the next day, and this time says, "Do you have any nails?" The Man replies, "No" The duck then says, "Do you have any beer?"
Animal Jokes : Ducks
What did the duck say when he bought some lipstick?
"Just put it on my bill."
'); } // 17 if (ranNum == 17){document.write('Animal Jokes : Elephant
What happens when you run around in an elephant\'s stomach? Answer: You get pooped out.
Animal Jokes : Elephant : Rhino
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
An \'ellifIknow.
Animal Jokes : Fish
What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.
'); } // 20 if (ranNum == 20){document.write('Animal Jokes : FlyWhat do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
Animal Jokes : God and Cat
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third day, God created rubber bands, bits of string, paper clips, balls of foil, and Q-tips (unused) to amuse the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so man could labor while the cat sat around doing nothing at all.
On the fifth day, God created the cat box so the cat might or might not use it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science. Unfortunately, the cat thought being poked and prodded by a stranger was bogus.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but instead He had to clean the cat box.
Animal Jokes : Gorilla Problem?
A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for "Gorilla Pest Control." When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it male or female?"
"Male," he replies.
"Oh yeah, we can do that. I\'ll be right there," he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "I\'m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorilla\'s private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and that\'s when you move in with the handcuffs!"
The man goes pale and asks, "Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you\'ve got to shoot that Rottweiler!"
Animal Jokes : Grapes
A duck walks into a store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no.
Five minutes later the duck comes back and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" and again the clerk says no.
Five minutes later the duck comes back and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk says, "No, and if you ask again, I\'ll nail your feet to the floor."
The duck comes back five minutes later and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk says no. The duck says, "Good. Do you have any grapes?"
'); } // 24 if (ranNum == 24){document.write('Animal Jokes : Hedgehog and Giraffe
What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A twenty-six-foot-long toothbrush.
Animal Jokes : Horseplay
So what game do horses play?
Animal Jokes : How To Catch a Bear
The first thing you do to cach a bear is dig a hole. Then you put a pile of peas in the middle. Now sprinkle ashes around it, so that when the bear comes to take a pea, you can kick him in the ash hole.
Animal Jokes : How To Clean a Cat
"1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat, and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid to keep the cat from escaping).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as the cat\'s paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power wash and rinse which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the front door and make sure there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and QUICKLY lift both lids. 8. The cat, now clean, will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself off.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Animal Jokes : Jesus is watching You
"Late one night, a burgler broke into a house. As he tiptoed through the living room, he heard a voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Nothing happened, so the burgler crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you" - said the voice.
The burgler stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around. In a dark corner he spotted a bird cage with a parrot in it.
"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" he asked.
"Yes" said the parrot.
The burgler breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, "What\'s your name?"
"Clarence" answered the bird. "That\'s a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burgler. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot\'s answer: "The same idiot who named the Bulldog, Jesus."
Animal Jokes : Millipede
A man buys a millipede from a pet store. The Petshop tells him not to send the millepede outside for any work.
The man asks it to clean the floor, finishes it very fast.
Next the man asks it to wash the dishes , it finishes it in no time
The man then asks the millipede to go to the shop and get a pack of cigarette
It goes out and didn\'t return for hours.
He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there\'s the millipede sitting right outside. What\'s the story?!"
The millipede says, "I\'m goin\'! I\'m goin\'! I\'m just puttin\' on my shoes!"
'); } // 30 if (ranNum == 30){document.write('Bar Jokes : 12-yr old Scotch
A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks "this guy doesn\'t know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender: "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!" Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn\'t believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. "It tastes like piss," he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: "It ish. How old am I?"
Bar Jokes : Beer note!!
A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.
So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that noone will steal it then.
Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"
Bar Jokes : Drinking buddies
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can\'t be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
The bartender asks "so which one died?"
"No one."
"But you only ordered two drinks!"
"Yeah, well, I\'ve given up drinking."
Bar Jokes : Drunkard
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?" he asks the drunk.
"I\'m looking for my car, and I can\'t find it."
"So how does feeling the roof help you?" He asked the drunk.
"Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!"
Bar Jokes : Alligator
A guy walks into a bar and trailing behind him is an alligator. Both of which sit at the bar. The guy calls the bartender over and orders, "Two shots of whiskey. One for me and one for my friend here." The bartender brings the drinks and watches as both the guy and the alligator gulp down the shots and slam the glasses down on the bar in unison. Again the guys orders "Two shots of whiskey. One for me and one for my friend." Again, both drink the shots and slam down the glasses. This goes on until the bar closes and the bartender tells them and that they have to leave. The guy and the alligator both get up and start for the door. The alligator takes two steps and crashes to the floor. The guy (so hammered) doesn\'t even notice and the bartender calls after the guy, "Hey buddy, you can\'t leave that lying here. The guy turns, looks down and says, "That\'s not a lion that\'s an alligator!" (Note: For full effect, tell this joke using your best drunk voice or better yet while you are drunk.)
Bar Jokes : Bar
This woman walks into a bar and says, "OUCH!"
Bar Jokes : Bartender
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender says, "That\'ll be four cents, please."
The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement. "How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and gravy and a side order of peas?"
"Eleven cents," says the bartender.
The customer says he\'s going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where\'s the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"
"Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife."
"What\'s he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.
"Same thing I\'m doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly replies.
Bar Jokes : belgian beer
For us Belgian people, drinking a Bud is like making love in a canoe : it\'s f&#%ing close to water.
Bar Jokes : Blood light
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I\'ll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I\'ll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I\'ll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That\'ll be two bloods and a blood light?"
'); } // 39 if (ranNum == 39){document.write('Celebrity Jokes : David BeckhamDavid Beckham walks into a library and says, "I\'ll have a Big Mac and fries, please."
The librarian replies, "Sir, this is a library."
Beckham looks embarrassed and whispers, "I\'ll have a Big Mac and fries."
Celebrity Jokes : Barbie
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "
The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?
"That\'s obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken\'s house, Ken\'s car, Ken\'s boat, Ken\'s furniture... "
Celebrity Jokes : Drunken Fools
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
1st Man: "No it\'s true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I\'ll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I\'ll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a \'splat.\'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:
"You know, Superman, you\'re a real jerk when you\'re drunk."
Celebrity Jokes : Bill and Hugh Grant
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I\'ve seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"
Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she\'s charging a small fortune."
Bill (with a chuckle): "Hugh, money\'s no object to me. What\'s her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.
They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."
To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."
Celebrity Jokes : Bill-Hill
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas.
It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary\'s high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination.
Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smirked and replied, "No. If I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."
Celebrity Jokes : Bills!!
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They\'re up in heaven, and God\'s sitting on the great white throne.
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if anymore freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we\'ll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill
Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people\'s pain." God thinks for a few second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?"
Bill Gates said, "I believe you\'re in my chair."
Celebrity Jokes : Decomposing Symphony
A fan of Beethoven went to visit Beethoven\'s grave and when she got there, she heard the ninth symphony being played...it was however played backwards... she did not understand that but came back the next day and brought her friend to listen to the music under the grave... when she got there, she heard the tenth symphony being played..this time again..it was played backward..
they both did not understand this weird undertaking... as they were about to leave a caretaker came along the way, both girls asked the caretaker if he knew why Beethoven\'s music was being played backwards...
The caretaker replied "Don\'t you get it... Beethoven is DECOMPOSING!!!!!!"
Celebrity Jokes : George Bush, Jr.
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove you\'re Albert Einstein?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks, "Can I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, in arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein\'s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "You are definitely the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
Dubya looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
Celebrity Jokes : Glove
Why couldn\'t O. J. play baseball? He couldn\'t find his bloody glove!
Celebrity Jokes : Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart
What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?
They both have little boys\' underwear half-off.
'); } // 49 if (ranNum == 49){document.write('College Jokes : Excuse me!A wise student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you\'ll have to learn to write with your other hand."
College Jokes : Leg Test
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing.
He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds\' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.
The student looked at each of the birds\' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor\'s desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor\'s desk and walked to the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn\'t know every student\'s name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what\'s your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"
College Jokes : An Essay
"I have read your essay about your house," scowled the professor, "and it\'s exact the same as your brother\'s from last year."
"Of course," says the student, "It\'s the same house."
College Jokes : College Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students to point out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be off limits for all male students, and the male dormitory to female students. Anybody caught breaking these rules will be fined $40 the first time, $90 the second time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the third time will be fined a hefty $200. Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
'); } // 53 if (ranNum == 53){document.write('College Jokes : Diving in the pool
An elderly economics professor is standing at the shallow end of the campus pool. A Coed is standing at the deep end taking pictures.
She suddenly drops the camera into the pool. Then she motions for the professor to come to her. He goes and she asks him to retrieve the camera.
He agrees and dives in and retrieve its.
Upon returning he says to her, "Why did you ask me to retrieve the camera when there were many younger and more athletic males closer to her?"
She replied, "Professor you seem to forget that I\'m in your Econ I class, and I don\'t know anyone who can go down deeper, stay down longer and come up drier than you."
College Jokes : Double negative
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
College Jokes : Fratboy In a Suit
What do you call a fratboy in a suit?
The defendant.
Top : College Jokes : Harvard Graduate
How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch?
Just pay him for the pizza.
College Jokes : No sword!
At Cambridge University during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
College Jokes : Not Yet
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The shipdoesn\'t leave until tomorrow!"
This guy was so distressed at the thought of using Windows in a design environment that he just got up one day and took his own life.
He reappears at the gates of heaven where St.Peter is sitting with his clipboard. Nervously he walks up to St.Peter."Ah", St.Peter says, "you\'re the poor fellow who suffered at the hands of Gates. Don\'t worry, you\'re in heaven now. Everything is allright.
"Still quivering, the poor architect says: "At last, that\'s wonderfull. But you promise me that Bill Gates won\'t appear here."
St.Peter lets out a broad laugh: "Is the Pope Catholic ? You know what they say about rich men, needles and camels ... anyhow, we use Amigas ..."
Then, suddenly, beyond the pearly gates a familiar figure appears. The poor architect falls into an apoplectic fit: "Look, look, you told me he\'d never find a place in heaven, but it\'s him."
St.Peter turns around to see the sight. "Ah, no my son, that\'s God, he just thinks he\'s Bill Gates ..."
Computer Jokes : How To Clean Your Mouse
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious, but the engineers rolled on the floor:
"Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."
Computer Jokes : Bill Gates in Hell
Bill Gates died and found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. "Well, Bill," God said, "I\'m really confused about this call; I\'m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. So I\'m going to do something I\'ve never done before. In your case, I\'m going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What\'s the difference between the two?"
God said, "I\'m willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I\'m going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "Okay, then, let\'s try Hell first." So off Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," God replied, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How\'s everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded (his voice full of anguish and disappointment), "This is awful; this is not what I expected. I can\'t believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Ah," God smiled and said, "That was just the screensaver."
Computer Jokes : F1-Help
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
Computer Jokes : Floppy
What\'s the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer will accept a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.
Computer Jokes : How good it is going to be
A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."
"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."
"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."
Computer Jokes : Indian Universal Language
What\'s the national language of India?
C++.
Computer Jokes : Microsoft Engineer
Three married women were sitting around talking, and the subject of making love came up.
The first woman said, "Well, I\'m married to a psychologist, so whenever we make love, he always brings me home flowers and chocolates first, and it just puts me right in the mood, and we always end up having a wonderful night of lovemaking."
The second woman said, "Well, I\'m married to a Harley-Davidson motorcycle rider, and whenever we make love, he slaps me around a little bit, then throws me on the bed, and then goes at it like Tarzan. I\'ve gotten used to it."
The third woman said, "Well, my husband works for Microsoft, so whenever we make love, he just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it\'s gonna be."
Computer Jokes : MS Vs GM
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.
The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (160,000km/hr) Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and getsa thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
Computer Jokes : The Most Unfriendly Error Message
The winning entry in a competition to find the most unfriendly error message was this one, which appeared after all the user\'s computer files had been deleted:
"Were you sure?"
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it\'s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex\'s voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, "Which one, the 9:00 or 10:30 service?"
Religion Jokes : Picture Of God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. As she got to one little girl who was working very diligently, she asked what the little girl was drawing. The little girl replied, "I\'m drawing God."
The teacher paused awkwardly and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Religion Jokes : You Tell Him
A woman was trying to make her husband go to church with her, but he refused. One day he asked her if she really believed in that stuff in the Bible about the whale swallowing Jonah, and she said, "I believe it because the Bible says it\'s true." She told him that when she got to Heaven she would ask Jonah about it.
Her husband said, "What if he isn\'t in Heaven?"
His wife replied, "In that case, you ask him."
Religion Jokes : 10 commandments
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
Religion Jokes : Are You Ready To Find Jesus?
One Sunday afternoon, a drunk stumbles into a baptismal service down by the river. He staggers into the water and stands next to the minister, who turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the minister asks.
"No, I didn\'t!" says the drunk.
The minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" says the drunk again.
Disgusted, the minister holds the man under for at least thirty seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Religion Jokes : BetterJob
A little girl climbed into her grandfather\'s lap and studied his while, balding hea. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road apped his face and neck. "did god make you?", she asked. "yes" he answered. "did god makeme, to?" she wondered. "yes", he relied. "well, she shrugged, "don\'t you think he\'s doing a better job now than he used to?"
Top : Religion Jokes : Black and White
What\'s black and white and sitting in the corner crying?
A pregnant nun.
What\'s black and white and sitting in the corner smiling?
The priest who did it.
Religion Jokes : Can\'t tell you, you\'re not a monk!!!
There was a three-year-old boy who had a tricycle, and he was riding around the block and crashed into a monastery. A monk picked him up and put him in a bed. The boy woke up and heard some praying noises and asked, "What\'s that noise?"
The monk said, "Can\'t tell you, you\'re not a monk."
So when the boy was seven he got a mountain bike, and he rode around the block and crashed into the monastery. The monk picked him up and put him in a bed. The boy woke up and heard some praying noises and said, "What is that noise?"
The monk said, "Can\'t tell you, you\'re not a monk."
So when the boy was fifteen, he got a motorbike and rode around the block and crashed into the monastery. The monk picked him up and put him into a bed. The boy woke up and said, "What is that noise?"
The monk said, "Can\'t tell you, you\'re not a monk."
So when the boy was twenty-three, he said, "I have to know what that noise is," and he went to monk college for three years and got his monk license. When he was twenty-eight, he got a car and drove around the block and crashed into the monastery. The monk picked him up and put him into a bed. The boy woke up and heard that praying noise and said, "What is that noise?"
The monk said, "Can\'t tell you, you\'re not a monk."
Then the boy pulled out his monk license and showed it to the monk. The monk said, "Come this way." So the boy followed him, and he went threw a wooden door, then a silver door, then a golden door and can you guess what he heard?
Can\'t tell you, you\'re not a monk!
Religion Jokes : Crappy Sermons
One day a priest took a walk around his church and was very dissapointed to see that it was in bad shape. He needed to get some money to fix the church.
This priest was smart, though, and he decided to hypnotize the congregation during his sermon. Well, one Sunday he was up at the pulpit talking away, when he casually pulled out a gold pocket watch and began to sway it back and forth, over and over again. While he was doing this, he talked about money. "I need to fix this church up. I can\'t do it without your help and monetary support," he said.
At the collection he got more than twice the usual amount. The priest was very happy and did this for several weeks.
Months later, a man walked into the local grocery store, saw the priest and went over to say hi. "Hey, how\'s it going? I haven\'t seen you in a long while. Where ya been?" the man asked.
"Well," the priest answered, "I was doing great with this whole hypnosis thing. It worked like a charm, until one day I was up at the podium swinging the watch when the chain broke and the watch went flying and I yelled, \'CRAP!\' I\'ve been cleaning the church ever since."
Sports Jokes : 3 Hunters
There were 3 guys, 2 smart ones, and a dumb one. They were all going hunting. The first smart guy went out and came back with a huge grizzly bear. The dumb guy asked him "How did you get that huge Grizzly bear?" The smart guy said, "I followed the tracks, went in the cave and shot the bear." Then the second smart guy went out and came back with a huge black bear. The dumb guy asked him, "How did you get that huge black bear?" The smart guy said, "I followed the tracks, went in the cave, and shot the bear. So the smart guy went out and came back all bloody and cut up. The smart guys said, "What happened to you?" The dumb guy said, "I followed the tracks, went in the cave, and got hit by a train."
Sports Jokes : A Pole What?
At the recent Olympics, a man was walking throught the Olympic villiage carrying a long pole. A reporter came up to him and asked "Are you a pole vaulter?"
The man replied, "No, I\'m a German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
Sports Jokes : Aussie Cricket
This was the most popular joke in South Africa after they drew the World Cup match that let Australia through to the final:
This Australian cricket supporter is at the World Cup final when he has a heart attack. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, he meets up with St. Peter, who asks him why he thinks he deserves to enter Heaven.
"Well," the Aussie says, "three weeks ago I gave ten dollars to a charity for the disabled!"
St. Peter frowns and says, "What else?"
"Two weeks ago I gave ten dollars to the homeless shelter!" the Aussie continues.
"What else?"
"A week ago I gave ten dollars to the orphanage!"
So Peter tells the Aussie to wait for just a minute and he\'ll be right back. About five minutes later Peter returns and says, "Well, I have discussed your case with the Boss, and he agrees with me. Here\'s your thirty dollars back, now go to Hell!"
Sports Jokes : Baseball
Two baseball players promised each other. If one of them died frist he will come back as a ghost to tell if there was baseball in heaven. So one of them dies and comes back as a ghost and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." Then the other persom says,"tell me." so he says,"The good news is there is baseball in heaven but the bad news is that your pitching tomorrow."
Sports Jokes : Baseball
Baseball is wrong! A man with four balls cannot walk!
Sports Jokes : Bungee Jumpers
Why don\'t blind people bungee-jump?
It scares the crap out of their dogs.
Sports Jokes : Cubs Fans
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she\'s a Cubs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they\'re Cubs fans, too. Not really knowing what a Cubs fan is but wanting to be just like their teacher, the students launch their hands into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception: A girl named Lucy doesn\'t go along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she\'s decided to be different. "Because I\'m not a Cubs fan," Lucy says.
"Then what are you?" asks the teacher.
"Why, I\'m proud to be a Sox fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she\'s a Sox fan. "Well, my mom and dad are Sox fans, so I\'m a Sox fan, too."
The teacher is now very angry. "That\'s no reason!" she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
Lucy pauses, then smiles. "Why, then," Lucy says, "I\'d be a Cubs fan."
Sports Jokes : Deer Blind
As part of their "ranch" holiday, a guy takes his wife hunting. When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure you don\'t let anybody else say he\'s the one who shot it. Otherwise, he\'ll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it."
The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby.
He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who\'s shouting, "OK, lady, OK! You can have the goddamn deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"
Sports Jokes : Dusk Hunting
Two blokes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven\'t bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says "I just don\'t understand it - why aren\'t we getting any ducks?"
His friend says "I keep telling you, I just don\'t think we\'re throwing the dog high enough."
Sports Jokes : Fan
There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Soccer World Cup. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was way up there. He couldn\'t see the game, so he began looking around.
Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there. He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there.
The man replied, "No." So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.
"Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?"
The man answers, "Oh, that was my wife\'s seat."
"Where is she?" the guy replied.
"She died."
"Oh, I\'m sorry...don\'t you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?"
"No, they couldn\'t come."
"Why?"
"Because they are at her funeral."
GO PACK
Sports Jokes : Heavenly Mansions
One day Steve Young died and went to Heaven. When he got there, God showed him to his new mansion, which had 49er stuff hanging everywhere. Then Steve looked out his new window and saw an even bigger mansion on the top of the hill. That mansion had Packer stuff hanging all over it, so Steve assumed it must belong to Brett Favre. So Steve asked God, "Why is Brett Favre\'s house bigger than mine is?"
"That\'s not Brett Favre\'s house," God answered, "It\'s Mine."
Sports Jokes : Hell of a Game
A man goes golfing with his Friend, John. He arrives home several hours late.
His wife asks,"What took you so long?"
He replies,"Oh, honey, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, John had a heart attack and died on the spot!" She says,"Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!" The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of \'hit the ball, drag John, hit the ball, drag John...\'"
Sports Jokes : Holding up the fingers
As a golfer teed up at precisely his reserved time, he was tapped on the shoulder.
The intruder handed him a note which read, "I am deaf and mute. Please let me play through."
"This is MY tee-off time," the golfer bellowed, shaking his head vigorously. "Your handicap doesn\'t entitle you to play through!"
Then he proceeded to drive his ball straight down the fairway.
"Nice shot," the fellow\'s caddie said as they headed off the tee, leaving the deaf-mute fuming.
While lining up his next shot, the golfer was struck on the head by a ball. Turning around angrily, he spotted the deaf-mute holding up his hand.
"What is he doing?" asked the golfer, squinting into the sun.
"I believe he\'s holding up four fingers," the caddie replied!
Sports Jokes : How Bad a Golfer Was He?
A golfer was having such a terrible day one day that he couldn\'t help but take it out on his caddy. "You\'re terrible!" he screamed. "When we get back to the clubhouse, I\'m going to see that you get fired!"
"That\'s okay by me," the caddy replied calmly. "By the time we get back to the clubhouse, I\'ll be old enough to get a regular job!"
'); } // 93 if (ranNum == 93){document.write('Sports Jokes : Hunting in the woods
A man had a hunting dog for sale for an unusual amount of money.
Another man interested in buying the dog asked him why he wanted so much. They took the dog to the woods.
The owner told the dog to go hunt. The dog took off into the woods and came back in a couple of minutes and scratched his foot on the ground four times.
The hunters went into the woods and killed four rabbits and could not find anymore.
The owner said you could hunt the woods all day and could not find any more than four rabbits.
The buyer was impressed and bought the dog. The new owner took the dog hunting the next weekend and told the dog to go find the rabbits. The dog took off into the woods and stayed gone for almost thirty minutes. When the dog returned he was hunching on his leg and scratching the ground and shacking a stick in his mouth.
The guy thought the dog went crazy and shot him. About two weeks later he seen the previous owner and told him what happended.
The owner told him he was trying to tell you there was more fucking rabbits in the woods than you could shake a stick at.
Sports Jokes : Late Night Bowling
A man went out to a bar with his buddies late one night, and he got so drunk he ended up having sex with a girl at the bar. He knew his wife would be livid when she realized what he had done, so before he went home, he rubbed chalk on his hands. He walked through the door at around the crack of dawn, and his wife yelled, "Where have you been?!"
"I went out with my buddies to a bar," he replied, "and I ended up getting laid by this girl at the bar."
"Let me see your hands," she screamed, so he showed her the chalk on his hands. "You damn liar!" she exclaimed, "You went late-night bowling again, didn\'t you?!"
Sports Jokes : Olympic Condoms
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: "Olympic Condoms." Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"
"They\'re in three colors," he replies, "gold, silver, and bronze."
"What color are you planning on wearing tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Why, gold, of course," says the man proudly.
"Really?" she responds. "Why don\'t you wear the silver tonight? It\'d be nice if you came second for a change."
'); } // 96 if (ranNum == 96){document.write('Sports Jokes : Olympics
Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs.
The first says, "Let\'s watch the registration table to see if there\'s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He\'s a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn\'t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."
Sports Jokes : Pitching soon
Two best friends were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives revolved around baseball. They discussed baseball history in the winter, and they examined every box score during the season. They went to over 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, one of the friend passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died a happy man.
A few nights later, his buddy awoke to the sound of the voice from beyond.
"is that you?" he asked. "Of course it me," his friend\'s voice replied.
"This is unbelievable!" he exclaimed, "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven,"
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You\'re pitching tomorrow night."
The Priest decides to tease the boy and answers that God is both.
The boy then asks if God is black or white. Again the answer is both.
Next question, is God gay or straight. Once more the answer is both.
The boy then asks "Father, is Michael Jackson God??"
Celebrity Jokes : Santa, He’s a she
I think Santa Claus is a woman… I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she…
Think about it, Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it off.
For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are frozen in some kind of time wrap until 3 PM on December 24th, then they, with amazing calm gather with other procrastinating men and go on a last minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem to be surprised to find only hunting gear, socket wrench sets, and motor oil left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but not so. Most men consider it an enormous relief because it reduces the 11th hour decision making burden.)
On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia pet under the tree… still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.
First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eye, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Secondly, even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and would then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:
Men can’t pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened – having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don’t answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything resembling a “bowlful of jelly”.
I suppose that as long as we have each other, good will, and peace on earth, it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is…
I just wish she’d quit dressing like a guy.
Celebrity Jokes : Shakespere
Shakespeare wrote in "Julius Caesar": "First thing we do, we kill all the lawyers." And people think Shakespeare is old. He was way ahead of his time.
Celebrity Jokes : Sherlock and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
Celebrity Jokes : Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock.
Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris.
When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go,
the driver asked him: "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.
The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before."
The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle.
The driver replied: "This morning\'s paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."
"There is one other thing," the driver said.
"What is that?"
"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."
Celebrity Jokes : Thriller
How can you tell when Michael Jackson is on a date?
There\'s a Big Wheel parked in front of his house.
Celebrity Jokes : O.J. Simpson
What did O.J. Simpson ask when he was found not guilty?
"Thanks, now can I have my glove back?"
Celebrity Jokes : Yoko
What do Yoko Ono and Somalians have in common?
They both live off dead beatles.
Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.
Suddenly a woman at the table behind them begins to cough weakly. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she\'s in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head in the negative.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head No again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman into a violent spasm; the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I\'d heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I never seen anybody do it."
Bar Jokes : What\'s the Name?
A guy walks into a gay bar and asks the bartender, "Can I have a beer?"
The bartender says, "Okay. What\'s the name of your penis?"
The guy is confused and asks, "What?"
The bartender asks again, "Yeah, what\'s the name of your penis? Like mine is Timex, because it keeps on takes a licking and keeps on ticking. Look, I can\'t give you a beer until you tell me the name of your penis. I\'ll come back in a while."
So the guy sits there thinking. He turns around to the guy next to him and says, "What\'s the name of your penis?"
The guy flirtatiously answers, "Energizer."
"Why?"
"Because it just keeps on going and going."
Finally the guy signals the bartender to come over. The bartender comes over and asks, "What\'s the name of your penis?"
So the guy answers, "Secret."
"Why?" the bartender asks.
"Because it\'s strong enough for a man," the guy says, "but it\'s made for a woman."
Bar Jokes : You look terrible
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What\'s the problem?" "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000." "Gee, that\'s tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you\'re depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
*My son is under a doctor\'s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
*Please excuse Anne for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
*Dear school: Please ekscuse Joe being ansent on Jan. 28, 29, 39, 31, 32, and 33.
*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
*Sally win\'t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
*Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
College Jokes : Santa
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa Claus got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.
He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put his flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf\'s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa\'s weight and balance calculations for sled\'s enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa\'s surprise, a shotgun.
"What\'s that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I\'m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa\'s ear, "but you\'re gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
College Jokes : Tedium
"Joe," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you\'re cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it\'s like I really don\'t like think like that\'s really important, y\'know, like because I\'m y\'know, like I don\'t get anything out of it."
"It\'s English class, isn\'t it?" replied the smiling teacher.
College Jokes : U.K. Graduate
How do you get a University of Kentucky graduate off your door step?
Just pay him for the pizza.
College Jokes : U.S. Maries
It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellowed, "This is a birthday suit inspection. I wanna see y\'all formed up outside butt naked now!"
So the soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up into three ranks. The sarge walked out and yelled, "Close up the ranks; conserve your body heat!" So the men closed in tightly.
The captain came along with his swagger stick. He went to the first soldier and whacked him right across the chest with it. "Did that hurt?" he yelled.
"No, sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Because I\'m a U.S. Marine, sir!"
The sergeant was impressed and walked on to the next man. He took the stick and whacked the soldier right across the rear. "Did that hurt?"
"No, sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I\'m a U.S. Marine, sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walked to the third guy and noticed he had an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave this new target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick. "Did that hurt?"
"No, sir!"
"And why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, sir!"
College Jokes : What\'s the Difference?
What\'s the difference between the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Cheerios?
Cheerios belong in a bowl!
This guy went into the jungle in Africa to hunt. He was walking down the narrow road, looked behind him and saw a tiger, at which point he got scared and started running away. He looked behind him and saw the tiger gaining. Realizing he couldn\'t outrun the tiger, he knelt down, closed his eyes, and started to pray.
While he was doing this, he fully expected the tiger to eat him at any moment; but when he looked up, he saw the tiger praying also. In amazement, he said, "I didn\'t know tigers prayed!"
"Of course I pray," the tiger replied, "I have to say grace before my meal."
Religion Jokes : Two Quarters
Bob was a fairly unkind man, and one day he got hit by a bus. Somehow he ended up in front of the the gates of Heaven. "How did I end up here?" he wondered.
The angel at the gate asked him, "What good deed did you do yesterday?"
The man thought about it for a moment, then responded, "Well..." It was worth a shot: "I gave a quarter to a homeless man."
The angel considered his answer and then asked, "What good deed did you do today?"
Again Bob said, "I gave a homeless man a quarter."
The angel turned around to the archangel of the Pearly Gates to see what he would say.
The archangel ordered, "Give him his fifty cents back and tell him to go to Hell!"
Religion Jokes : What do you give?
The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him.
The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job."
He says, "You have sinned."
Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job.
The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."
Religion Jokes : Why
Why did the nun get expelled from the convent?
She was caught doing pushups in the cucumber patch.
Religion Jokes : Wise Men
A journalist goes to a hick town to do a Christmas report. He walks into the town square and is pleased to see a quaint nativity scene with figures of Mary, Joseph, baby Jesus, and the three wise men. He\'s puzzled by one thing, though: The wise men are all wearing firemen\'s hats. So he goes back to his motel and asks the front desk girl if she knows why the wise men had firemen hats on. "You city people," she replies, "Ya think ya know ever\'thang, don\'t ya? Y\'all ain\'t nuthin but city folk who don\'t read the Bible!"
The journalist says, "Excuse me, but I do read the Bible, and there\'s nothing in there about firemen hats!"
Grumbling, she pulls out a Bible from under the desk and says, "Looky here, ya idjit. It says right here, \'They came down from afar.\'"
Computer Jokes : User Guide "Thank you, Pa, but where is the user\'s guide and manuals?"
The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball."
Computer Jokes : We Can Fix It
A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer are driving down a mountain road when the brakes fail. They scream down the mountain gaining speed every second and screeching around corners. Finally they manage to stop, more by luck than by judgment, mere inches from a thousand-foot drop to the jagged rocks on the valley floor. More than slightly shaken, they emerge from the car.
"I think I can fix it," says the computer engineer.
The systems analyst says, "No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist examine it."
The programmer holds his chin between thumb and forefinger and says, "Okay, but first I think we ought to get back in and see if it does it again."
Computer Jokes : Wife 1.0
A software engineer wrote:
Subject: Failed Upgrade
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance \'n\' Drink 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error: "General Protection Fault in module House Security. The Uninstallation will abort." Can you help me, please?
Here was the reply from Tech Support:
Re: Failed Upgrade
This is a very common problem among men, but it is due mostly to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support;" this was given to you at time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest you use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5. Do not, under any circumstances, install Visual Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Recent surveys show add-ons like Visual Dress 2.0, Diamond Necklace 3.0, and A Quick Tour To Temple 1.0 are the best Third Party tools supported by Wife 1.0 to allow it to run smoothly and effectively.
Best of luck!
Computer Jokes : Windows 98 ads
Multitasking: You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting!
Built-in Networking: You can crash several PC`s all at once. No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.
Microsoft Network: Connect with other Windows 98 users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized.
PnP: Plug and Pray (that it works)
Multimedia: Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing.
Compatible with existing software: It will also crash your existing software.
Increased Productivity: You will need to increase your budget to buy more products like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new computer! That`s product-ivity.
User-Friendly: Picture of clouds
State of the Art: Pay for Bill`s next bid for a work of art.
Macintosh-like: It took Microsoft 14 years and it`s not even original.
Online Registration: Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your harddrive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft`s files for the rest of your life.
MS Plus: More money for Bill`s plus side.
Optimize: It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and cpu so much so that you`ll end up upgrading your system. See "Increased Productivity".
Computer Jokes : Windows Bug
No, Windows is not a virus.
Here\'s what viruses do: They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that\'s with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It\'s a bug.
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A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated
"I am the most powerful genie in the universe. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I\'d like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."
The genie responded, "Gee, I don\'t know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."
Computer Jokes : Y3k
Save all the info you can find regarding the Y2K problem
that way you\'ll be ready for Y3K next year!
Sports Jokes : Silly Sports Joke
Why did the coach go to the bank?
So he could get his quarter back.
Sports Jokes : The Best Goalkeepers
Why do women make the best goalkeepers?
Because no matter what they do or how hard they try, guys can never get the balls in.
Sports Jokes : The Cajun Wrestler
One day Boudreaux gets a letter in the mail that says he\'s qualified for the Olympics in wrestling. He and his trainer go to the Olympics, where Boudreaux beats the hell out of every wrestler there and just has to beat the world champion for the gold. The trainer tells Boudreaux he\'d better watch out when wrestling the champ because of his famous move, the \'Prestole Hold.\' "Ain\'t no one ever broke the Prestole Hold," the trainer tells Boudreaux.
Next thing he knows, Boudreaux is in the ring. He and the champ swap blows back and forth and the match is going pretty well for Boudreaux, but suddenly, the champ has Boudreaux in the Prestole Hold. The trainer is terribly upset: "Oh, no, Boudreaux, you let him get you in the Prestole Hold!"
A few moments later, Boudreaux rises with incredible strength and throws the champ out of the ring, thus winning the wrestling match and taking the gold. "How did you do it?" asks the trainer.
Boudreaux says, "Well, he got me in the Prestole Hold. My arms were tied and my legs were hanging over my head and I was squinting with pain. But when I opened my eyes, I suddenly saw these two round hairy things dangling right in front of my face...and you don\'t know how much strength you get when you bite your own balls!"
Sports Jokes : The Old Golfer
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn\'t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn\'t waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I\'d hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 2 feet tall."
Sports Jokes : The Perfect Husband
Several men are sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising, when suddenly a cell phone sitting on the bench rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it\'s me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I\'m at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It\'s absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
"What\'s the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the extras."
"Great! But before we hang up, there\'s something else..."
"Yes?"
"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year is on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, an acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000...a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank..."
"Well, then, go ahead and buy it, but only bid $420,000. Okay?"
"Okay, sweetie...Thanks! I\'ll see you later! I love you!"
"Bye..." The man hangs up, closes the phone flap, and yells, "Hey, does anybody know whose phone this is?"
Sports Jokes : The Saints
The divorce judge asked little Johnny which parent he wanted to live with. Little Johnny replied, "Not my daddy, he beats me...Not my mommy, either; she beats me, too." Little Johnny thought for a minute, then exclaimed, "I know! I want to live with the New Orleans Saints! They don\'t beat anybody!"
Sports Jokes : They won Premier league
A naval boiler stoker goes to Hell. The Devil comes up to him on the first day, and sees him smiling.
"What are you so happy about?" says Lucifer.
"I just love it here. Its like a spring day in the boiler room."
The Devil walks off angry, and decides to get him. "I\'ll turn the heat all the way up. That\'ll show him."
The next day, The Devil checks back with our hero, only to find him happy once again.
"What now?" says the Evil one.
"This heat is great! Reminds me of a summer day in the boiler room."
The Devil realises that he has been going about it all wrong.
"Tomorrow I\'m going to make it colder than a Siberian winter."
He returns the next day to find the stoker shivering and blue, but grinning from ear to ear.
"What could you possibly have to be happy about?"
"It\'s pretty obvious, isn\'t it?" replied the stoker. "Manchester City must have won the Premier League!"
Sports Jokes : Three Golfers
Three impressive-looking Jewish men with beards are out playing golf one day. The first hits the ball very hard and long, but it hooks and goes into a lake. "That\'s okay," he sighs. Then he raises his driver, parts the water, and walks across the dry lake bed to hit the ball onto the green.
The second hooks one toward the lake, where it floats gently on the surface. The second golfer walks over on top of the water to hit the ball onto the green.
Finally the oldest man advances to the tee and strikes his ball with a mighty swing. This ball also hooks, and it lands on a lily pad in the middle of the lake. Very soon a large bird picks up the ball, carries it over the green, and drops it into the hole.
"Quit your frowning, Moses," said the second golfer to the first.
"Yeah, but Jesus," the first golfer calmly replies, " this is exactly why I don\'t like playing golf with your Father."